Groundhog Day: The True Story

Everyone knows how Groundhog Day works, right?

On February 2, one groundhog (Punxsutawney Phil) emerges from the ground, and if he sees his shadow and returns to his hole, we get another 6 weeks of winter. If he doesn't see his shadow, then we'll have an early spring.

It's a simple enough story...or at least that's what I used to think.

Dun dun dun.

Friends, it's time we uncover the truth.

First of all, let's clear up this matter of Punxsutawney Phil. To be accurate, I should probably include his full name at least once, so here goes: "Punxsutawney Phil, Seer of Seers, Sage of Sages, Prognosticator of Prognosticators, and Weather Prophet Extraordinary." (now let me pause for a breath)

According to legend, there is only 1 Punxsutawney Phil. But when I was a child, my family stopped in Punxsutawney, PA, to take a gander at the famous groundhog. And I swear I remember seeing multiple Phils in that enclosure, and I thought I was told (or read) at that time, that they always have multiple Phils on hand... I know I have pictures somewhere, or at least I used to. But alas, despite my certainty, I can produce no evidence. Nor, it seems, can anyone else.

And if I could provide incriminating information about Phil's legitimacy, I'm not sure I'd go through with it. If I did, who knows what the Inner Circle might do to me.

"The Inner Circle?" you ask.

Oh, right! That, dear reader, is another element of Groundhog Day we don't learn about in school. The Inner Circle is, well...how can I put this? I'll just be blunt: if this group's chief interest weren't so trivial, I'd swear they were a cult. As it stands now, I merely suspect them to be a cult.

These men, all of them Punxsutawney dignitaries, can be identified by their tuxedos and top hats (often with an accompanying handlebar 'stache)—which one can only hope they don year round. These are the men (I don't know if women are definitely excluded, but I do think they'd have trouble growing the signature 'stache) who take care of Punxsutawney Phil throughout the year.

Sure the attire doesn't scream "cult," but if nothing else convinces you, the elitism and the strange customs should.

If you ask me, the Inner Circle is probably a cover for something much more insidious. Need proof?

Okay, first notice that there are 22 men in that picture above. 22 men to take care of one groundhog? And why does an immortal groundhog need anyone to take care of him?

Wait, you hadn't heard that "immortal" part of the story, either?

Well, according to groundhog.org (the official site for the cult, er um, I mean, the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club), the same "Phil" has been making weather predictions (prognostications, if you prefer) for over 120 years.

How in the world could he live for over 120 years, you ask? (Especially if you know that few groundhogs live for more than one decade.) Well, let's go back to groundhog.org for a response:

"Punxsutawney Phil gets his longevity from drinking the 'elixir of life,' a secret recipe. Phil takes one sip every summer at the Groundhog Picnic and it magically gives him seven more years of life."

C'mon, drinking "the elixir of life"? You can't tell me that doesn't have "cult" written all over it...

And I find it especially odd that each sip gives him seven more years of life. If that's true, then why does he drink it every summer? After 120 years, shouldn't he have about 720 extra years already stored away?

Now if all of this were true, I think there'd be some people crashing that Groundhog Picnic party...and rightfully so. Because if they have a secret recipe that can keep one groundhog alive for 120 years, and they're not willing to share it with anyone else... but then again, perhaps that explains why this true story isn't widely known.

Oh, but wait, it gets weirder. Forget the whole see-his-shadow-and-go-back-in-the-hole rigmarole. Oh no, Phil doesn't have to do that anymore. Once again quoting groundhog.org:

"After Phil emerges from his burrow on February 2, he speaks to the Groundhog Club president in "Groundhogese"(a language only understood by the current president of the Inner Circle). His proclamation is then translated for the world."

Only understood by the current president? So what, does the previous president un-learn the language when his term ends? If so, who teaches it to the new president? Upon his oath of office, is this understanding magically bequeathed to him by the Groundhog Gods?

However this special language is learned, it's clear that this whole practice is uber cult-like. I mean, every cult has a leader, right? And what self-respecting cult doesn't have a secret language?

Of course, the Inner Circle also claims that Punxsutawney Phil's predictions have been accurate every single year...never mind that wikipedia says "according to StormFax Weather Almanac, his accuracy is just 39%."

So now we can add delusions of grandeur to the equation, which, combined with their uniform dress code, elitism, secret language, the presence of a clear leader, and their special life-extending drink, equals cult, cult, cult, cult, cult.

It's highly probable that this group is actually just using the groundhogs for animal sacrifices. Doubt me? Just look at the guy's eyes in this last picture? And then look at the terrified groundhog? (I never thought I'd say this, but where is PETA when you need 'em?)

Even before I knew about the Inner Circle, Groundhog Day always interested me for one reason. You see, I've never been able to decide whether or not I think the whole tradition is just plain stupid. And that's weird, because I'm usually very good at deciding that things are stupid. But on this, I vacillate. Sure the procedure makes no sense; that much is clear. And I do think Groundhog Day definitely is the most depressing holiday (since it seems we're always reminded that winter is still here...). But if the tradition ceased to exist, I suppose I'd miss it.

Yeah, stupid or not, I'd miss it.

So maybe we owe a debt of gratitude to those handlebar-moustached men of the Inner Circle, those dedicated souls who keep the tradition (and the one and only Punxsutawney Phil) alive year after year. Maybe their hard work and unwavering commitment make all of our lives a little richer, in a way that is nearly unnoticeable yet altogether significant...

Or...maybe I'm just saying that because I fear what that cult will do to me...

Either way, Groundhog Day and Punxsutawney Phil live on. And I'll just leave it at that.


—Thanks for Reading